CONTENTMENT

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been hearing or reading the reminder to learn to be content in whatever state one find themselves to be in. One way or another, God has found a way to send me those words. Of course, they’re from His Word where Paul speaks very highly and graciously to the church of Philippi (Philippians 4:11). Paul thanks the good people of the congregation for loving and caring enough about him to send support and aid for his well-being. He appreciates their concern and expression of love, but lets them know that he is and will be okay because he knows what it is to have, and not to have. To be hungry, to be full. He has learned, as a result, to be content in whatever state he is in.

Now, after being given these words time after time over the last couple of weeks, of course I began to take notice. Certainly, this passage of scripture is not foreign to me. But, it takes on a new complexion when it relates directly to you………or vice versa………..when you can relate directly to it.

God has a way of preparing you. At least, that’s been my experience. As this is, what I call, my new life this year. Even before I took sick in December, and before my hospitalization, I knew that this would be a new year for me in many ways. God was calling me so loudly. Actually, yelling at me. Pushing me. Nudging me. Telling me that I had to follow His voice and move into my purpose. Yet, I kept being hard-headed and bucked at every turn. Simply because it did not make sense to me. I could not (and still don’t) understand how things would work out or how we could make it on one income; particularly since we were already struggling on two.
God kept showing me that it was time for me to move on from the work that was holding me back from the work that He has called me to. It became nearly humanly impossible to muster the time and energy to do it all. Something had to give. Yet, I kept bucking against the course I should have been on….again, because it didn’t make sense to me. God eventually showed me that I had to stop on the destructive path that I was sailing on.

Well, now I’m home and I am happy to be able to work on the things that bring me the most fulfillment. I am writing. I am enjoying my seminary classes (for the life of me, I don’t know how I managed both school and work last semester). I am devoting more time to ministry. I feel productive and I am extremely happy to be here for my family.

I am walking in my purpose and I know it.

Why, then, you may ask, has God been sending me the reminder to be content in this state. I wondered myself until today when I figured it out. Although He gave me a foretaste at the turn of the new year by telling me that this year, I would have to truly live by faith, somewhere in the back of my mind still resided a sense of reluctance and hesitancy. You see, my rational mind still tells me that we only have one income now. Focusing on that has allowed fear to filter in.
Tonight, God directed me to read, with an open mind and heart, the 4th chapter of Paul’s letter to the Philippians with the emphasis on Phil 4:11. The entire chapter blessed and encouraged me. And then it was all summed up in these words: “And my God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.” (Phil 4:19)

This is why Paul was so able to say that he can be content in whatever state he is in. No matter if he has, or doesn’t have, God will supply his needs. That is what God wanted me to get into my thick head. He is my God. He is my father. He is Jehovah-Jireh – my provider!

He has called me to do His work and He will continue to take care of me. It wasn’t my job that took care of me, it has always been God! Yes, I too can and should be content, for He is with me!

I have to totally rely on Him and understand that He will not forsake me. While I’m wondering where is the new/extra income going to come from, I should know that He has already worked it out.

No, it doesn’t make sense to me, but that’s MY sense. My sense is not spiritual. This day is not a surprise to God. He has already made provisions and He is able to keep me. He’s already told me to have faith in Him. Lord, I ask for your forgiveness because I have allowed myself to forget. I have allowed myself to tune you out and to focus on my own understanding. Please forgive me Lord. I thank You for loving me, holding me, and providing for me. I thank You Lord for putting up with me!

I feel as though I’ve come full circle. Tonight I will go to bed in full contentment, because I know that God has already supplied all of my needs!

I am at peace

Tuesday, January 08, 2008
12:45 pm

I go back to Dr. Shekoni today. He is supposed to give me the results from the MRI that was taken last week of my neck to check for blockage. I personally do not think that there is blockage. At least, I am hoping not. But I know that something isn’t right with me and I am tired of feeling this numbness, weakness, and sometimes even pain. At first, it was only on my right side in my hand and foot/leg. I now feel it on the other side, as well as in my face. I’ve been feeling it even in m lips. Dr. Shekoni is supposed to run another test as well to see if I have nerve damage. From what my brother told me and also from what I’ve read on my own, nerve damage does occur in some diabetics. I just hope that whatever is the problem can be rectified and treated.

I am enjoying this change of pace in my life. I have gotten a lot of rest………..trust me, a lot! Rest is foreign to me . But, it feels good and I do feel better because of it. I do still feel weakness, but I am dealing with it. At times, I still get the headaches, but now I can go lay down and rest when I do. I enjoy being home when my daughter comes home from school. I enjoy having dinner cooked in time for my husband before he leaves for work (he works the 2nd shift – 3pm); and of course it’s ready when my daughter comes home. I enjoy that I haven’t had to punch in a clock in the morning, but can do some work when and IF I feel like it. I love that I have been able to do some household things when I want to, and not as a very rushed weekend event. I mostly enjoy being able to go to bed at a decent time (usually by 8:30 or 9:00 pm).

My goal is to soon develop a schedule for myself. Time for me to write, time to do some online work, time to do some ministry work (both online and off), time to rest, time to read. Hopefully I will be able to do this soon in an organized manner.

On a personal front, I am ready for a new look. I have lost 12 pounds since leaving the hospital. I feel good in that regard. I actually feel lighter. But, I am ready to change my hairdo. I am not ashamed to say that I currently wear a weave. This is not my first one, but I when I feel the urge to do something different, I get one. Now, I am ready to get it out and don my own hair again. What I am not happy about concerning my own hair is that since hurricane Katrina, my hair texture has changed. My hair is much thinner now and so much so, that you can see my scalp in some areas. Alone with the thinness is the texture. It’s a finer texture, yet sort of cottony. My hair has always been very thick, not course, but thick. I don’t know what it is now and although it looks nice for a moment, I don’t like it. The weave has allowed me to take a break from chemicals and the elements. I am seriously considering not returning to the chemicals and to just go natural………ah, but we’ll see. Maybe I’ll get a low cut and let it grow out anew.

We’ll see!

Carla