MOVE!

I’m not quite sure why, but I am speechless tonight. Quite unusual for me. Actually, I’ve been at a loss of words for the last few days. I’ve wanted to write, to blog, to create, to just be me…….yet I haven’t been feeling it. As always, there’s a lot going on with me. It’s always something! I say I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I guess I really do. Frankly, I’m just tired. Not physically. I’m emotionally drained and mentally exhausted. I’m still working at bringing my life into order…..or under order….. under control.

On one hand, I am thrilled to have the time and availability to do what I love and to love what I do. Yet, everything is not tied together yet. Everything is not in order yet. I feel so unorganized.

And then on the other hand, it is such a struggle now without my income. My goodness! It is amazing how much and how far my little dollars went. We take a lot for granted.

Then I question myself, fuss at myself, and wonder if I should have continued to suffer and endure the sacrifices I made and all that I went through to work for somebody else. Well, each time I questioned and second-guessed myself, God ALWAYS showed me that I was NOT wrong and that I was on the right path. He has shown me over and over again that I’ve done the right thing.

What He is consistently beating into my head is that I have NOT totally released myself to Him by fully trusting Him. Now THAT’S a hard pill to swallow. The truth hurts! I’m not proud of it, but I have to face the fact that no, I have not truly allowed myself to simply believe! You know, it’s hard to do that when you are trying to maintain control. Something has to give. It’s time for me to relinquish my perceived control and to do as the Lord continually speaks to my spirit……..He asks me, “When are you going to trust me?” Then, He tells me, “You have to believe me enough to know”.

As long as I hold on with clinched fists to fear of the unknown, then I am denying the One who is all-knowing free access in my life.

Tonight I sit here, oddly enough under cold temperatures of 38 degrees in March, watching this beautiful crackling fire in the fireplace, and I say that I am speechless. I guess it’s not that I have no words to say (uh……just look above)……..I simply have no justification for my actions. How can I justify not trusting God? In fact, I am ashamed of my actions.

Please pray for me as I move self out of the way. I am reminded of an old gospel song……..”If you move yourself, then God can have His way”.

Lord, I am sorry and I’ll just move on over……I am getting out of the way!

Carla