IS IT JUST ME?

Happy Birthday to my “baby” brother, Ira. I can’t believe that he’s such an old man now! LOL! Well, he’s 42 and I don’t know where the time has gone. I remember very vividly our childhood and how he’s always been my baby brother. Now, he’s the old man of the family. He’s an old soul, as they say, and I tell you, I am so blessed to have him as a brother. I love him not just because he’s my brother, but because of the fantastic human being he is.

I wasn’t going to write anything today, but there are some issues that have been growing more and more on my mind lately. Issues that pertain to our community in general. Issues that surpass race, class, gender, and even religious lines. This won’t be a “sermon”, actually. At least, that’s not my initial intent. I just want to get some things off of my mind and to raise some questions. However, I have no idea where this is going to lead to. I have learned to just write when God ignites me. Where it goes, I will leave up to Him.

Today, a replay of a Judge Hatchett show came on. This particular episode was quite disturbing to me the first time I saw it, and even more so today. Let me give an overview of it:

The case was that of a now 16 years old girl in court, with her mother by her side, to learn if a certain boy was the father of her child. The child is now 2 years old. Now, what I love about Judge Glenda Hatchett is that she is nothing like those shows such as Maury Pauvich and Jerry Springer. Her show is not sensationalism or foolishness. And if you’ve watched Judge Hatchett, you know that this sister don’t play! She’s a strong advocate for our youth and she does her best to make a positive difference in the community.

Anyway, the girl’s case really wasn’t that uncommon. Therein lies the problem for me. What made it worse is that the girl was so young, albeit, quite intelligent. She recalled their “relationship”. At the age of 14, she met the boy at church. A church, that in her words is “fun” and “good”. She was/is part of the youth department, sings in the choir, goes to the revivals, etc. Yet, one evening, as she was an overnight guest at the boy’s aunt’s house, he simply said to her that he wanted to mess around. She said okay, and they had sex.

She spoke of this incident just as dryly and matter-of-factly as if I were telling you that it’s raining outside right now. No emotion. No shame. No shyness. No nothing……other than the fact that they “did it”. Her mother stood by her side, which I think is great, but Lord knows that if it were me and one of my daughters I probably would have been laid out on the floor hollering and screaming and crying and just too shocked! I mean, it was all so…….”normal” for them (it appears), and that is what I can’t figure out. Why in the world is it normal….or even okay……for CHILDREN……….14 years old …… to be having sex……..and as though it meant nothing!

Next incident of their relationship occurred at church! Yes, at church, the girl said! Now, it didn’t happen inside the church walls, thank God, but she said that they were outside on the side where the cars are parked. Brotha man told her again that he wanted to “mess with her”. “Okay” she simply said, and okay……..bang! Next time, it happened with one of the boy’s “homies” (his word). He told her that THEY wanted to “mess with her”, and she again said “okay”. Meanwhile, her Mama is still standing up there as though this was not unacceptable behavior.

This time they were on the church bus. She allowed the “home boy” to “mess” with her, but she said that she didn’t feel right about it and she “moved” before he could………..well………have an orgasm (Judge Hatchett said it for her……). Yet, she then allowed the other boy to immediately go all the way and have his way with her.
COME ON PEOPLE!!!! Is there not something wrong with this picture? The boy (with his own mother standing by his side) of course acted as though this was just natural. It meant nothing. They just did what they did.

Is it just me? Am I the only one seeing something totally sad about this entire case?

The girl, as a result, got pregnant and she thought it was his because again, she “moved” before the other boy could………. Innocent ignorance here. It turned out that the boy she thought was the father was NOT.

Anyway, even beyond the pregnancy issue, my outrage is the CASUAL attitude that has been attached to relationships. Let me outline some of my problems with this.

1. Children should not be having sex. I’m interested in knowing if the girl was a virgin when she and the boy hooked up. It wasn’t said. I doubt if he was one. Oh……..virgin…….I said a word that probably is obsolete today!

2. Child or not………teen girl or not………….why do so many women lose their self-respect, self-value, self-worth, dignity, integrity, and PURITY for the sake of pleasing someone? Obviously, this girl did not value herself by simply and so easily just saying “okay” to the whims of a boy who wants to “mess” with her. At age 14, it seems to me that girls (and boys) should be focusing on school and honestly just being a child! Not making a child!

3. Why aren’t more parents adamant and stricter on their children? Why have we come to accept this type of promiscuous behavior? My own thoughts are that too many of us adults are equally as promiscuous and lack a good value system.

4. The 14 year old girl and boy are no different than the adult man and woman who act as carelessly as they have. News flash: We don’t have to have sex with everyone we meet! To the girls and women: We don’t have to have a baby for every man, and being a Baby’s Mama shouldn’t be our goal in life! I am not saying that we shouldn’t want to have a family. But, there is an order that should be obtained.

5. People use their sexuality in various ways. We forget that although we are sexual beings, God blessed us with our sexuality to be used within the sanctity and institution of marriage.

6. For women, our value is much more than what we offer a man by sex. If he loves you, he ought to love you………..period! And vice versa. If he can’t appreciate you for who you are, love your mind, love your personality, love your ways, love your gifts, or if he cannot respect you, then you really need to be thinking twice (and thrice and so forth) before you hop in bed.

7. Girls…..Women…………Rethink becoming a Baby’s Mama just so you can have him! Just because you have his baby doesn’t mean that you will have the man. Particularly and especially if he has more women out there who are his Baby’s Mamas!!!! That should be a red flag and a quick siren for you to back off!

8. Men……Certainly NOT ALL women with children fit this category, but you know for a fact that there are SOME out there who may be looking at you for what you have and what they think you can give them and their children.

I could go on and on with an outline, but I won’t. Just watching that young girl, whom I saw so much potential in, relay her experience so nonchalantly, really cut through me. And then I read something today that gave a long list of “Baby Mama Drama” real life stories of athletes. One person, for example, has nine (9) children by eight (8) different women. Excuse me? I don’t understand why this man feels that he can just go around having sex with any and all women that he want to and then have no repercussions. And I wonder what were the women thinking?
We also know that today sex doesn’t simply mean possible pregnancy. It can be a death sentence and/or other serious conditions with STD’s.

Why are we so cavalier about this? Of course I am also thinking about the very public and recent cases with folks such as the Detroit Mayor’s affair, the New York Governor’s affair, definitely Clinton/Lewinsky affair remains in the forefront. We can’t be so shocked and strict on our children when grown-ups are out there acting like animals as well!

Just as with everything else, our behavior has to change in our minds first. Somewhere along the line, we have accepted and have acted upon the belief that it’s okay not to control ourselves and to act upon impulses.

Let’s raise our children better than that. Let us not condone or accept the mindset that would bring on such cold behavior such as the girl and boy I spoke of were affected by. We must have higher standards for ourselves, and our children.

Carla