Sentimental

It’s been an interesting day for me emotionally-wise. I don’t know why, but my mind seemed to be invaded this morning with thoughts of my “past life”, as I call it. Thoughts of “home” (New Orleans). Thoughts of my parents. Thoughts of how much I miss them, and how much I miss home. Although God has blessed us with a new house, a new life, a new place to live, it is still difficult for me to consider this place “home”. It’s special to me and I treasure it because God gave it to us, and I do my best to make it a home for my family. But, “home” will always be back there.

I miss home!

Thoughts of home, of course, brought back so many memories of being there with my parents. My family. Then, I thought of our home………the house that we lived in. The place that I inherited and then began to raise my own family. I thought of all of the love that was expressed in that house. The house that my grandfather built. The house that my parents remodeled. The house that my own children played in.
It’s all gone! It is as though it never existed.

Although I miss the physical place, it is not so much that I do not reside there anymore. What hurts me is that home is no longer there. I can never go back to it because it doesn’t exist. It was the most eerie feeling each time we’ve been back to New Orleans since Hurricane Katrina not to have our home to return to. Additionally, my extended family has scattered as well and their homes are gone as well. Only one cousin, and one in-law, made it through Katrina unscathed as far as their physical property. Yet, they both lament about the vast changes that has taken place in our city. New Orleans is definitely not the same place.

Katrina left a huge foot print on the place, and even more so on our lives.

Certainly New Orleans had, and has, many problems (what place doesn’t?). But, New Orleans also has a culture all its own and like no other. And most of all for me, I had family. None of which I currently have here where we now reside.
Today, thoughts of my recent hospitalization and my ongoing recuperation crossed my mind. Perhaps because I simply went to bed last night feeling sick, and awakening feeling the same. I couldn’t help but think about the days of being in the hospital and these days to follow. It’s been a month now since I was released from the hospital. I thought about how “alone” I’ve felt, and how I know that my family would have been there for me if only we were all still at home. Now, we are scattered all around the country.

I don’t know why I’ve had such sentimental thoughts today. It’s bittersweet for me. See, my thoughts do make me sad, they even make me cry, yet I am so grateful to God for protecting us and blessing us as He has. I am so thankful for the blessings He’s given us. I praise Him and glorify Him for all that He has done. When the thoughts of home and family enter my mind, I normally try to push them out because on one hand it makes me feel like an ingrate. It makes me feel as though having such memories and feelings mean that I am not thankful for what God has done for me. Yet, I know that isn’t true, because I am very much thankful. I further know that out of all of the destruction, God also brought deliverance.
My thinking back does not mean that I have not moved on. It means, I suppose, that I have a rich and glorious pass that is filled with love and family and an incredible sense of home. Some may not be able to say that.

I am thankful to God for all that He has done in my life. I honor Him for blessing me with the family that I miss so much. I praise Him for the memory of my deceased parents who laid the foundation for not only our home, but for the person that they raised me to be.

I guess that it is okay to have something to look back on with fond memories, even if there is heartbreak and pain because what once was, no longer is.

Carla